A new phase of motherhood has just begun for me. One week ago, my son weaned from me and our breastfeeds.
Lots of people talk about the physiological shift in hormones after weaning so I expected this to occur.
Last week, I felt like my hormones were a bit all over the place. But what has been the most interesting and something I didn’t expect was the reflection and questioning of my identity. Breastfeeding was something I’ve supported lots of women to do as a midwife and also supported lots of my friends to do. My own journeys were not the easiest with both of my children.
In the first few months of my postpartum with my first child, I was diagnosed with “low milk supply”. I was determined to breastfeed so I would feed my daughter on demand and use an electric pump after most feeds to build up and keep up my supply. I also used medication for several months to help increase my supply. I had to ask for help and support from my village of friends- two dear friends who kindly donated me breastmilk so I could continue to feed my daughter breastmilk while I built up my own supply and could meet her needs on my own. I continued to do this day in and out until she was almost 8 months old. It took a huge physical and mental toll on me, feeling like I had to plan my days around being home to pump enough to keep our breastfeeding journey going. Being able to just breastfeed my daughter without having to pump and give her a milk top up felt like a huge gift because it had taken so long to get to that point of our breastfeeding journey.
At 15 months of age, she made the decision to wean. I was pregnant with my second child, and I felt mixed about it. I was grateful that she made the decision to wean on her own terms when she was ready to. Our relationship changed. She would give me cuddles and I could provide her love and nourishment through my body a different way.
During my second pregnancy, I made an even more conscious effort to ensure my body was nourished in those early postpartum days with nutritious food and as much support as possible to prevent the same thing from happening again.
My son was born and I made a conscious effort to ensure he was attaching well at the breast and feeding him as much as he wanted. I did lots of skin to skin. I did everything I could. But again his weight gain was slow, just like my daughter, so again I was labelled as having a “low milk supply”. For some reason, this hit me so much harder than the first time. I had done everything I could but still it wasn’t enough. So back to demand feeding, pumping four times a day after feeds, asking my village for support with milk donations to help me while I increased my own supply. The sound of the breast pump was hard to listen to again after my first experience of having to pump so frequently during my first breastfeeding experience. It was challenging again, given I also had a toddler and the demands of being a mother to two children. I persisted. I continued. I did this until my son was 4 months old and then his weight gain continued to increase at an appropriate trajectory. I could then just feed him on demand, like every other mother. This was the part I enjoyed the most. Being like all the other breastfeeding mothers who could just nourish their babies without pumps, donor milk and planning their day around pumping. My son was almost 20 months when he decided he would like to wean. I offered him some milk, he shook his head and said “no mummy”. And that was the end of our breastfeeding journey.
For over 4 years, I have been pregnant, breastfeeding, pregnant and breastfeeding or just breastfeeding. It was a category I could put myself in, a group of women that I could identify with. Even though my son has been having one breastfeed per day, I could still call myself a breastfeeding mother. But now I am no longer in this category. It feels so strange to have become so comfortable of being in this phase of life, to create, nurture and nourish life. And now I feel that I am back in a stage of zwischen - between two phases. I am still a mother to young children, who I continue to love and nurture. It is no longer through breastfeeding that nourishes my children, but I am able to show this to them through my words, my actions, and the special connection I have with each of them.
Breastfeeding has been a wonderful journey. I am grateful I’ve had the support to be able to continue to nourish my children. I am grateful I have been able to bring awareness to breastfeeding and also normalise breastfeeding amongst my friends, family and community who may not have been exposed to breastfeeding before. I love that my daughter will always offer her dolls a breastfeed and never a bottle. That is what is normal for her and shaped her understanding of how women feed their babies.
And now it’s time to have another part of myself back, to nourish and support myself again after doing so much for my two children over the last few years.
I am looking forward to getting to know this new part of myself and discovering who I am in this next chapter of my life as a mother.
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